think I'm going insane, depression is hitting me like a ton a bricks..

a few months ago I think in November, I told most people that I was going in for sugery, and I did... however the sugery was classified as being "Unsucessful", this really bothered me, and I couldn't get a good night sleep in months, so I fell into depression even more... then about 2 months ago I think, I had my body X-rayed again, and when I got the results, there was actually nothing physically wrong with me... but yet I am still in pain... I went to the doctors, and then check up after check ups.. we found out it was all psychological, and that the pain I'm feeling is a all generated in my mind caused by stress and past events of my life....

so now I'm seeking help from a psychiatrist, who's actually helping me a lot.. funny thing is I've heard of these cases before where people think they're in pain but it's just his mind telling them that... I just thought this would never happend to me.


what sucks is that this is also making my spiritual life go downhill too, since all this has happened I just didn't want to talk to God anymore, even though I still go to church and serve, I don't even know if I can still be considered a christian anymore, I drifted so far away from God and from my friends.

when I was young I always dreamed about being 20 something cuz I would have so much freedom hence I could be more happy. this isn't exactly what I had it mind and now I wish I was younger like 16 or something. I wish I can just end it all, die very soon so I can go up to heaven and then I won't be in pain anymore.

you know you're in trouble when you think there are things out there worth more than you life.....